Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Carl Pavano? Really?

What the Yankees need right now is a world-class bastard to spice things up. With perpetual golden boy Derek Jeter running around sprinkling flower petals, patting small children on the head, and generally keeping all our spirits high(!), we have enough syrupy-sweet goodness already. Sure, there is the dour Alex Rodriguez with his Zombie-like stare – not to mention the fly-addled time bomb of Chamberlain, but the Yanks really need someone to shake things up. Someone to keep the coaches on their toes. And fans need to be left wondering once in awhile if their #4 pitcher is even going to show up after a night downing shots off the bellies of Hooters Girls.

And he’ll be is better this time! Really! The guy has had more surgeries than a one-legged sky diver. This can only make him healthier. Like the Bionic Man. NO, like Iron Man! The balls will be flying out of Pavano’s hands like Iron Man’s mighty wrist lasers. This is a guy who is unstoppable. Well, maybe except for the bruised buttocks- do they make replacement butt cheeks yet? Well, doesn’t matter. You don’t need a healthy ass to throw baseballs. And the guy doesn’t even need to go to Spring training!

Who needs Cliff Lee anyway? Yankee management was right not fight harder for him. The guy peaked years…ah, weeks ago.

Brian Cashman has shown pure genius here. When others might see a broken down old man who has spent more time in hospitals than ballparks, Cashman must have seen a star.

But alas, it looks like this great reunion is not to be. We won’t have another triumphant return, another outstanding unprecedented success like the return of The Rocket. Looks like it is back to the drawing boards for the Yanks.

Does anyone know where we can find Oliver Perez?

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