Monday, June 27, 2011

In Defense of the Turkey Leg

My recent post on the silliness of non-stadium consumption of Turkey legs has created quite a stir. I had no idea that so many of you sophisticates enjoyed eating off a bone. That being said, the response has been so overwhelming that I have invited my eloquent friend Herb Sanchez to offer some guest commentary.

Although Herb has had some trouble with the law, I'll never forget how he bailed me out of more than a few dicey situations back in the war. Herb, we'll always have Saigon '68. You are a true American.

Without further ado...

Recent writings by certain bloggers have attacked one of the simplest and most primal instincts that many Americans and establishments relish in. That act is eating your food with your hands.

Nothing symbolizes this act as much as the turkey leg. Since the dawn of the Turkey… man has enjoyed holding a drumstick or turkey leg with their hand and ripping at its roasted flesh with their teeth. Why?

Because we’re animals, walking, talking, violent animals who’ve been domesticated by time. But the Turkey leg, that tasty delicious leg of dark meat is one of the last remnant of the barbarian that lives inside. The savage that lives to conquer, that rules his domain, the warlord that sits on his thrown with a woman at his side and his violent dog on a chain at the other.

Here’s the real truth about the Turkey leg. If you don’t eat it you’re not a man and if you don’t enjoy the process you are weak.

The turkey leg never lies.

Thank you so much, Herb. We'll have to agree to disagree.

Friday, June 24, 2011

Quest for Turkey Legs!

I have no idea why a fully-grown human being would want to walk around an amusement park eating a ridiculous, over-sized turkey leg. You know exactly what I am talking about - the slob from some Nebraska back-water walking through Cinderella's castle with his faded "Property of the Minnesota Vikings" t-shirt stuffing his pie hole with a great, big piece of poultry (is turkey poultry? Who cares...). Grease dripping down his chin and running down his arm. He doesn't just look like a fool, he looks like a damn fool.

But the same can not be said for the same man if he was in a ball park. That is where you go to get idiotic food. Jumbo hot dogs. Terrible heat-lamped pizza. Tubs of cheese fries with enough cholesterol to clog the heart of a humpback whale. And, yes, even a turkey leg. You still may look like a dope - like you belong ogling big-breasted wenches at a Renaissance fair - but it is a bit more acceptable at a stadium.

That being said - where do you get the blasted things at Yankee Stadium?! I have looked high and low trying to get my hands on one. This after seeing a damn fool eating one on the giant monitor. But where do I go? I looked high and low, east and west, but no legs. I asked security guards, ushers, ticket takers, other concessionaires... nothing. Not even Yankee employees could tell me where to find the succulent appendage. The best I got was, "They must be here. They just showed it on the big screen." Duh! I guess that is why you're scanning tickets and not the Secretary of State.

If anyone has any advice on where to find this phantom, please let me know. I am going to the Stadium tomorrow and will report back.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Why I Hate Baseball-headed Mascots

Despite emphatic declarations to the contrary in the ongoing pointless war between Yankees and Mets fans, you can like both teams. I often watch and enjoy the antics of Dylan Gee, Jose Reyes, and ... well... I am sure I'll come up with another exciting Met in a minute.

But there is one thing that has always set the Yanks on a higher pedestal - even during most of the bad ole days between Reggie and Jeter. That thing is, in fact, a person, or at least, a person inside a ridiculous outfit. That's right, Mr. Met. I hate Mr. Met. I hate Mr. Met more than cockroaches, tornados, the Red Sox, being hit in the head with a golf club, cancer, your girlfriend breaking up with you in front of your mom, Hitler, and even people who own small dogs or rolling suitcases.

It is not just the mascot itself - it is the insipidly lazy concept. You are tasked with coming up with a baseball mascot, and all you could come up with is a guy with a baseball head?! Really? Any of these from a simple Google image search for "Metropolitans" would have been better:

At least the encephalitic Mr. Met is a friendly guy and is often accompanied by an attractive young lady shooting t-shirts out of an over-sized airgun (yeah, we get the Freudian reference). The dreaded Mr. Red is a thing out of childhood nightmares. Just look at this guy! Makes my skin crawl:

This is a monster out of countless alien abduction stories. Can't you see this guy coming at you with an anal probe? The head is too big to be normal, too small to be jolly. It's like catching a Body Snatcher in the middle of becoming Dorah's friend Diego.

At least one version of this Red Idiot has a mustache. With that, he merely looks like your slightly creepy uncle right before he touches you inappropriately in the basement after Thanksgiving dinner.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Carl Pavano? Really?

What the Yankees need right now is a world-class bastard to spice things up. With perpetual golden boy Derek Jeter running around sprinkling flower petals, patting small children on the head, and generally keeping all our spirits high(!), we have enough syrupy-sweet goodness already. Sure, there is the dour Alex Rodriguez with his Zombie-like stare – not to mention the fly-addled time bomb of Chamberlain, but the Yanks really need someone to shake things up. Someone to keep the coaches on their toes. And fans need to be left wondering once in awhile if their #4 pitcher is even going to show up after a night downing shots off the bellies of Hooters Girls.

And he’ll be is better this time! Really! The guy has had more surgeries than a one-legged sky diver. This can only make him healthier. Like the Bionic Man. NO, like Iron Man! The balls will be flying out of Pavano’s hands like Iron Man’s mighty wrist lasers. This is a guy who is unstoppable. Well, maybe except for the bruised buttocks- do they make replacement butt cheeks yet? Well, doesn’t matter. You don’t need a healthy ass to throw baseballs. And the guy doesn’t even need to go to Spring training!

Who needs Cliff Lee anyway? Yankee management was right not fight harder for him. The guy peaked years…ah, weeks ago.

Brian Cashman has shown pure genius here. When others might see a broken down old man who has spent more time in hospitals than ballparks, Cashman must have seen a star.

But alas, it looks like this great reunion is not to be. We won’t have another triumphant return, another outstanding unprecedented success like the return of The Rocket. Looks like it is back to the drawing boards for the Yanks.

Does anyone know where we can find Oliver Perez?

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Cheerleading is for Mascots

We can all agree. Derek Jeter is a nice guy. And he is team player. And he is good for morale. And he has a warm smile and is nice to kids and dogs. I get it. He's nice. In a world where most football players spend more time in court (or in jail) than on the field, and even good guy NASCAR drivers like Jeff Gordon are throwing punches at other racers, being nice is a rare quality in sports these days. But is it enough to justify a huge salary? And will Jeter's reputation even survive this operatic, over-blown negotiation?

Last season was not a landmark one for the captain: 10 home runs, 3 triples and a .270 BA. Not real shabby, but hardly living up to his billing, and his worst showing in 15 years. He still makes some amazing plays from time to time, but Cano has more than out-shined him in that category. Let's face it, Jeter is just not as young as he used to be.

Is he the force that keeps the Yankees together in hard times - that keeps spirits high and personalities from clashing? Who cares. Several post-season teams included rosters full of dysfunctional and volatile players.

I like Jeter. I have watched him grow as a player and a person. He seems like a genuine sincere man. He is good for the Yankees and good for the sport. But he is no longer great. The Yankees need to work on getting some pitchers that can actually, ah, pitch. And some batters who don't swing like they're going for the Empire State Building when the ball has bounced twice in front of the plate.

Boosting morale and raising spirits is for mascots.

Also, check out this from BleedingYankeeBlue. This guy has it right. Let's see how Jeter's composure fares in Beantown: "WHY BOSTON COULD SWAY JETER "